My kind of girl (or, a little note to the OG)

I've recently discovered the secret to a clean house.  Her name is Ramona.  Oh, Ramona, how do I love thee?  Let me count the ways...

Seriously, how did I survive before Ramona?  And how did anyone put up with me?  Before Ramona, I basically did all of my housework on Saturday nornings, right up until the doors to the Hot Mess sports bar opened (or until the SS Hot Mess shoved off from  shore, depending on the season).  I'm sure I was one cranky mama, spending a quarter of every weekend fighting back the dust bunnies and wiping up potty training mishaps.  Definitely not the most fun way to spend my time.

Now, Ramona fights the good fight, and I enjoy the spoils of victory in the Great Dust Bunny War.  An excellent arrangement!

If you don't have a Ramona in your life, get one.  Now.  But you might have to find your own Ramona, unless you're Mrs. MD13 or Will's Mom.  If anyone steals my Ramona from me, I'm likely to get violent.

Anyhoo, I was reminded of my Ramona-love a minute ago when I stumbled across a prefectly sensible, logical, probably even brilliant little note about housecleaning.  If there was no Ramona in my life, this might be my new mantra:

God meant for dirt to be on the floor, that’s why He gave us gravity. If we didn’t have gravity, all the dirt and stuff would float around and get in your way.

So, if you sweep and mop and clear away the dirt, you’re messing with God’s master plan, and that’s just rude. And may be dangerous, if your God is a vengeful God!

Don’t be rude to God!

Can't argue with that logic, can you OG?  Take the plunge.  Call Ramona.

...and then the treats!

Aside from the aforementioned trick, we had a great weekend!  Plenty of treats to share.

First, FLORIDA/GEORGIA!  Yippee and hooray!  It was great to see the Gators score a win (and also fan-freakin-tastic to see Georgia lose), even if we did have to go through ridiculous overtime stress.  It was also great to see the Crew, and to have the presence of a ghost from MD13's past for Halloween weekend.  It's fun when you realize that you can pretty much assume you're going to like your Crew's other crew automatically.  Sign of a good Crew, if you ask me.  (You didn't ask, but I'm the one writing here...so we'll just pretend someone asked.)

Let's be honest, though.  I'm pretty sure the best thing to happen to us on Saturday was Will's Mom's "potato skins".  It's heaven in a potato.  I'm very nearly drooling just typing this.  Popovers were tasty, too - but the potato goodness ruled the day.

Second, Halloween!  Z and E had a great time, and they were stinking adorable.  Who could resist this??

E was a bit wary of the whole concept at first - I had to get the candy for her, carry her around, and do all of the talking for her.  Z was fine, really enjoyed chatting it up with the neighbors, and basically rocked the trick-or-treat.  Then E caught on, and stole the show.  After about the third house, she started scooping candy into her bag with her whole arm, and saying "trick or treat" to everyone.  She also decided she's too grown up to be carried or to hold hands.  No dice, little Miss Big Britches!  So, I was the mom carrying her cheerleader toddler upside down back to the house.  Oh well.  It's all fun and games until somebody's bloomers are showing!

Speaking of Halloween, Mrs. MD13 really does take the prize for best kid costumes ever.  Last year: 1-year-old Chippendale dancers.  Amazing.  This year: Animal House.  Incredible.  What will she do next year??

First, the trick...

OK, so I thought I was basically naming my blog after the people around me.  The Crew is the hot mess.  My kids are a hot mess.  It's not supposed to be a self-fulfilling prophecy about me!  But holy hell, folks...it turns out that I was wrong.

In one night, I both injured myself and may also have made Mrs. MD13 want to poke out her own mind's eye.  One physical injury (which will eventually heal) and one psychological injury (which will probably disturb poor Mrs. MD13 for the rest of her ever-loving life).  I'm so sorry Mrs. MD13!  I can honestly say I never thought I'd join the ranks of MD13 antics...but here I am!  If it's any consolation, my chin is throbbing, and I didn't come up with a good enough cover story before I got to work today, so I ended up re-telling the story several times today.  Mortifying, but actually pretty hilarious.

The moral of this story, my darlings, is that you should be kind to the MD13s of the world when you re-tell their stories and harass them about past antics.  It could be your own story you're telling next!  (Of course, the moral isn't that you shouldn't harass your friends or drink too much.  That wouldn't be any fun at all.)

[UPDATE!!  As it turns out, the General was the only one who got an eye-full.  He's also remarkably good at administering inebriated first aid.  Mrs. MD13 and her mind's eye are just fine, thank you very much.  And I'm very pleased to say I'm not joining the ranks of MD13 antics...at least not yet!]

Heaven

...and on the eighth day, God created Heaven, and he placed it in Ponte Vedra, and he made it a spa.  And the spa was good.

Ugh

Is it really possible that the Gators are this awful?  Aside from my feelings about the Offensive Coach Who Shall Not Be Named, I'm just completely uninspired by the boys lately.  They are a Hot Mess.

First, there was Bama.  Oh, Bama.  At Bama.  I can't say I expected to win (but I did hope it might happen!)...but I didn't expect to lose that badly.  Just awful.  And to make it worse, we watched with a couple of Bama fans.  Loud ones.  Just to pile it on, my mom decided that part of being a good hostess was cheering for the team your guests like.  (Really?  Sounds like a good way to get evicted from your own house, if you ask me.  Good thing she didn't ask me.)  But a loss to last year's National Champs is one of those things you have to just take on the chin and move on. 

So on we moved...but not to Gainesville.  Instead, we headed to North Georgia (yes, the opposite direction from Gainesville, in case you're checking your compass).  As you might guess, we weren't thrilled about this location issue.  Hot Mess or not, they're still the boys from old Florida - they're OUR boys, and we're going to see them in person as much as possible. 

So we were still stewing about not seeing the Gators live for the LSU game (ahem, whogetsmarriedintheFallintheSouth? - oh, sorry - just a little something caught in my throat)...but doing our best to invoke all of the good luck charms we could to counteract our absence.  (Clearly, us not being there is bad luck, right?)  We started with the traditional game-time drink (the JBTea), followed by game day underoos, lucky shirts (we switched out for the backups when the originals didn't seem to be working), and finally, outdoor peeing.  And not just the General.  Desperate times, folks.  What did we get for our troubles?  Nothing but the gut-twisting agony of losing to an SEC opponent.  Ugh.

And then there was Mississippi State.  Woof.  I was hoping that our presence in the Swamp might help the boys.  Evidently, I was wrong.  Way wrong. 

Thank God we've got a bye week!

How the time flies!

Holy hell!  Has it really been almost a month since the last post?  Crap.  I was on such a roll...

Well, I'm back.  It's been tough to get the blogging mojo going with the Gators sucking so badly lately, but here we go!

What??

Sometimes, real life is even better than what you could make up.  Case in point: we're re-watching the UF game on HD tonight, now that the kids are in bed...and with about 10 minutes left in the 3rd quarter, a kick is blocked.  I'm not kidding when I tell you that the ESPNU annoucer said "twat" to commemorate the occasion.  We actually had to hit the go-back button 3 times before we could tell that he'd probably actually said "it's blocked".  THREE times...and I'm still not convinced he'd didn't say "twat". 

Ridiculous. 

The General and I will now be yelling "twat" anytime we're watching a game and a kick is blocked.  It's way too fun to pass up.

FALL!

Be still, my heart!  Tomorrow is the "official" first day of Fall (at least according to weather.com), and I think we actually started getting the Fall weather a few days ahead of schedule.  Yahoo! 

Much as I love hot hot weather, the leading edge of Fall makes me want to...well, first of all, not work.  Also on the "things I want to be doing in this glorious weather" list: drinking coffee outside, vacationing in North Carolina (doesn't that just scream Fall?), wearing sweaters, going for a run, hanging out around the firepit at night, and tailgating.

Of course, all of those things presume real Fall weather.  Those of you in my neck of the woods realize that the "Fall weather" I'm presently feeling (and am way too excited about) involves a low of 85 and a high of 92.  Mysteriously, on home game Saturdays, Summer inevitably returns and it's 115 degrees in the Swamp (hello, USF game!), so I'm not likely to get a chance to do the Fall weather tailgate for another couple of months.  For that matter, none of the other stuff on that list will be really appealing to do until sometime in November, if this faux-Fall keeps going.

A girl can dream, though (fueled by the super-cold air conditioning in my office!)....and the Fall weather daydreams are still much more fun than the day job!

Dye-ing for the next home game

Noon in Gainesville this time of year is insane.  Nearly unconscionable to be outside, unless you're at least half-submerged in a pool or lake.  And yet, someone in Gainesville apparently thinks it's the perfect time for a football game (?).  Last weekend was H. O. T.  This weekend will no doubt be more of the same.

So, what's a girl to wear when it's 100 degrees in the shade?  Tried out the shorts/t-shirt combo last weekend, but that was NOT the way to go.  As far as I'm concerned, the ideal game day outfit touches no more of your skin than is absolutely necessary, and is also super-cute.  Bonus points if the entire outfit is in team colors (i.e., no denim, khaki, white or other neutrals).  The shorts/t-shirt combo was cute enough, but there was way too much contact with my skin.  Ugh.

Enter the swimsuit cover up.  I've been hanging out in my Billabong cover up all summer, and it's perfect on a hot steamy day.  The only problem is that the one I already have is teal.  Not exactly on the Gator faithful color wheel.  But hello, internet!  I found the same dress in white from some surf shop in California (on sale!), and figured I could make it work with some good orange & blue accessories.  White = cool, right?

When the dress arrived, it was adorable - but completely see-through.  Add a little Swamp steam, and it would only get worse.  In addition to the see-through problem, the General reminded me that I'm not the world's most coordinated person, and I'd be likely to spill/smear all manner of tailgate food & drink on my white dress.  Fair point, my friend. 

So, on Monday, E and I made a trip to the hobby store while the boys napped, and we found the perfect orange dye.  Came home, put E down for her nap, and Z jumped in to help me with my project.  (When was the last time you dyed something?  Easter eggs when you were 10?  Tie dye in high school?  I don't know when I last dyed something, but I'm pretty sure it's been at least 15 years.  Heavens!)  A few minutes later, we had one perfectly orange dress (also an orange sink, but that's a small sacrifice for team spirit, no?).  Layer a lightweight blue tank under the dress, and I'm all set.

Bring it on, Gainesville - I'm ready.  All day, baby.  All day.

Stand up if you don't like it!

Aside from the horrible offensive play on the field last Saturday, there was some other highly annoying action in the Swamp during the game.  It involved a cop, a fan who dared to stand, and (I think) some crotchety old folks.

We sit on the alumni side of the stadium, which is nice for several reasons, including the fact that you can occasionally sit down (absolutely not an option on the student side).  On the student side, you stand for the entire game, whether you like it or not.  On the alumni side, you stand when you want to (i.e., when the Gators are tearing it up, and you can't help but get out of your seat and cheer) or when you need to (i.e., when the folks in front of you are standing, and you can't see over them - or when you're so outraged by the officiating/coaching/play that you need to stand up and tell those goofballs how to do their jobs - you get the picture).  It's nice not to have to stand all the time, but we often end up standing for most of the game anyway.  It's fun.  We're there to see the Gators play, and we're going to watch it on tv the next day anyway - if our hootin' and hollerin' keeps us from seeing every detail, so be it.  We'll catch it from the couch tomorrow.

And frankly, we believe that the Gators need us.  That's right.  If we're not there, yelling and standing and chomping and cheering, those boys are going to be fighting an uphill battle.  If we're not there and - God forbid - they lose, it'll surely be our fault.

So we were horrified when the usually-friendly cop who hangs out at the entrance of our section came down the aisle and told a fan to sit down.  Nevermind the fact that the play was at the opposite end of the field and everyone in the section blocking our view of the play was standing.  Nevermind that Addazio clearly needed all the help he could get, and that fan was probably just giving him some helpful suggestions.  Forget all of that.  This guy was at a football game, enjoying and contributing to the atmosphere, and there is no rule against standing in the Swamp!  The fan told the cop why he was standing (I can't see if I sit down, man!) and the cop still insisted that he sit.  Then the cop backed up a few rows and bird-dogged the fan - waiting for him to do any little thing that might give him a reason to take action. 

The General was watching this go down, and he stood up in support of the fan and in dismay at the game (and maybe also because the fan's girlfriend was practically naked, and the General wanted to preserve his view of her??), and yelled "That's right!  Stand up if you don't like it!"  I agree, General - at least about supporting the fan and being annoyed with the game.  But don't get thrown in the Swamp slammer - I'm not leaving my seat to come bail you out...unless you've got my bourbon in your pockets.

I did have to leave my seat, though, so I missed whatever happened to get the fan thrown out of his seat.  But from what I hear, the fan was ejected because he was annoying the old folks sitting behind him (no, the OG wasn't there!), and they goaded the cop into taking action.  Oh, the unjustice!  I was livid for the rest of the game.  Since I am a fixer, I decided to text the stadium security folks and tell them about it.  Not sure that accomplished anything (other than to put me on some sort of stadium-cop watch list), but it made me feel better. 

Moral of the story: Stand up if you don't like it (and even if you do like it) - but hand off the liquor before you do it.  You're about to get thrown in the slammer.

Dead to me

Steve Addazio is dead to me.  That's all I have to say about that.

The Tailgate Toolbox

The first tailgate of 2010 is just a few days away - time to dust off the tailgate gear, and maybe even toss a few new items in the truck.  So what, exactly, do you need for the perfect tailgate?  Here's the recipe for a Hot Mess of a Tailgate:

• Sweet Tebow.  Sweet tea + bourbon + ice = heaven in a cup.  Try it.  If you don't like it, I don't like you.  The specs: tea must be Publix diet sweet tea; bourbon must be Beam.  No exceptions.  You're going to drink too much of it to make the fancy bourbon worthwhile.  Half tea, half bourbon.  Drink up.  For the FSU fans, rename if you must - Sweet F'ing Tebow has a nice ring...just don't try to pretend it isn't delicious.  (OG, if it makes you feel better, the General says the name of the drink is spelled TeaBo - but I don't take spelling advice from the General.)
• ICE.  Put it in a good cooler, too - it's hot out there, and if you're going to make it to game time, you're going to need ice that can survive the heat along with you! 
• Coolers.  Note the plural.  If you're really doing it right, you've got to have one cooler for drink ice, one cooler for all the pre-game tailgate stuff, and probably one for the post-game.  You could put the post-game stuff in the pre-game cooler, but if it's really hot out, you might just end up with a cooler full of cool-ish water by the time the game's over.  A separate cooler that doesn't get opened until after the game is the best bet.  If you're packing up the coolers the night before the tailgate, or if you're just into really amazing coolers, check out the Yeti coolers.  I'm pretty sure they'll keep stuff frozen for an entire football season.  Incredible.  As an added bonus, they're bear-proof.  I don't know how they hold up to fraternity boys or drunk adult male tailgaters...but my brother has one, and it's still intact, so I imagine they'd survive both of those tests pretty well, too.
• A tent (or two).  If you're tailgating in the South, you're entirely too close to the surface of the sun to tailgate without a tent.  The shade is essential to keep you from bursting into flames before the team takes the field, and it's also key if you intend to be able to see whatever is happening on your TV (you DO have a TV at your tailgate, right?  Just checking...).  Even if it's a night game, you'll need a tent - obviously, the tailgate will start while the sun is still up.  And depending on the time of day (and the angle of the sun), you might need more than one so you can line 'em up and huddle in whatever shade you've managed to create at the far end.  Tents are also super-handy for staking out your territory - particularly if you're in a primo location.
• Tervis tumblers.  Preferably with lids.  If you aren't using Tervis, I'm not sure we can be friends (unless, of course, you're using a flashing plastic wine glass - I mean, that's classy!).  Ok, so there are other exceptions, but they mainly revolve around beer - i.e., beer from a can or bottle, or from a Solo cup.  Heyyo, beer pong!
• Games.  Speaking of beer pong...you need tailgate games, and you need a table for your food, so you might as well get one that does double duty.  Our beer pong table has a custom top designed after Florida Field.  No need for a tablecloth, and a great way to entertain the masses during a long tailgate!   Other super-fun tailgate games: cornhole (the MD13s bring theirs to every game, and I'm never any good at it - but it's still a blast), or a good old football.  If you go for a game that involves throwing (or catching) anything of substance, just make sure you don't invite me to play.  It could will get ugly. 
• Grill.  Hello.  My name is Captain Obvious.  Really, though, I should mention that the type of grill makes a big difference (by that, I mean good grill = happier General = happier tailgate!).  For the last couple of years, we've been using a grill that mounts on the tailgate of the truck and sits at waist height.  No more leaning over and into the heat to tend the food, and no more trying to find a place to put the grill that won't melt or catch fire.  Downside: if the truck is parked on a hill, so is the grill.  Great way to lose some potato skins and a few Sweet Tebows (call it a sacrifice to the tailgating gods?).
• TV.  With Satellite.  Our tailgate crew pitched in for a tailgate dish last season, and it greatly improved the pre-game amusement.  If your school is hosting ESPN Gameday and you're not tailgating close enough to see the madness, it's always fun to see the hoopla...and how are you going to text-harass your non-tailgating-friends about their teams' lackluster play if you can't see the games that are on before yours?  Note: TV & Satellite also double as a fun tailgate game, which consists of attempting to keep people from knocking over the satellite & TV, triipping over the extension cord, or otherwise wreaking havoc with this inevitably delicate setup. 
• Chairs.  Again, way obvious, but it is one of those things you'll be miserable without.  Make sure they're sturdy enough to support you when you've lost the ability to hold yourself upright and flop down into the chair with gusto.  I think we lose one chair at every tailgate from that sort of flopping.

Everything above is fun and makes for a great tailgate, but here's the super secret to tailgating bliss: Iced hand towels.  The. Best. Thing. Ever.  Count the number of people in your tailgate crew.  Get that many hand towels or washcloths (plus a few extras, just for good measure) wet, put them in a Ziploc bag, and drop them in the bottom of one of your coolers.  Forget about them, until you're about 20 seconds from melting because you're tailgating on the face of the sun.  Stick your hand in the cooler to get some refreshment, and notice the cold, wet towels.  Pull one out, wring it out, and wipe down your face, arms, neck, legs, whatever.  It's amazing.  Rally for more tailgating!  (Also incredible for post-game refreshing.)

That covers the gear from last year's tailgate...but what's new in the tailgate toolbox for you?  Drop me a line and let me know what I'm missing!

Clean Carpet! (?)

I might be a moron, but I couldn't take it anymore.  I totally subscribe to the theory that you shouldn't waste much energy getting your floors clean before a party, since they're going to need lots of scrubbing afterward, and I basically consider football season to be one looong party...but I broke down and had my carpets cleaned yesterday. 

On the (weird) upside, even after a very thorough cleaning, the carpets still don't look brand new - so it won't be heartbreak when the first beer/glass of wine/enchillada gets spilled on the carpet.  (No, MD13, that's not an invitation to spill!)  They are, however, clean enough that I won't worry about Mrs. MD13 refusing to come over and let her boys hang out on the carpet - and that's a definite plus.  (Mrs. MD13, don't look too closely!)

Now that the carpets are all shiny and clean, we're well on our way to being TV-tailgate-ready for the first away game weekend!

The Friday Night Massacre -or- Tailgate Training Camp

Holy hell, we've got some work to do if we're going to be in tailgating shape by Saturday!  Got the Crew together Friday night for dinner & drinks, and to hang with the Kingpin, who was in town for the weekend.  We had a blast, but I'm pretty sure none of us were functional the next day. 

Ouch.

It went something like this: Happy hour.  Then dinner (the General's new creation: grilled quesadillas = YUM).  Then more drinks, sitting around the dining room table while the kiddos ran around like a pack of monkeys.  And then it happened...we migrated to the dock.  Somehow, the backyard always makes the drinks go down faster. 

The OG may have split his chin open (apparently he's not as fragile as I've advertised him to be - no need for medical intervention), and the General took an unplanned swim in the canal.  The blues playlist was replaced by the Kingpin's iPod (JT?  Really?), which seriously betrayed him and turned the dock into Club Kingpin for a short while.  Then the drinking games commenced.  By that point (and probably long before then) I was useless, but I gave it a go.  Good thing I'd already switched to water, or I'd probably still be hurting - it turns out my skills are seriously lacking. 

We had such a great time, but I'm amazed how much longer it takes to bounce back these days.  When did this happen?  Hopefully our tailgate training camp did the trick and got us back into shape for the first "live" tailgate this weekend.  If not, it could be a season of painful Sundays (because, obviously, we're not going to go easy on our tailgating - I mean, come on!).

Friday!

I have such a hard time getting dressed on Fridays when it's not football season.  Fridays are supposed to be easy mornings - it's dress-down day at the salt mine, right?  But I seriously have to restrain myself from wearing the Orange & Blue on non-football Fridays.  Lucky, lucky me - this is the last Friday I'll have to exercise that kind of restraint for a while! 

I know I'm crazy (the General is reading this and nodding vigorously in agreement - aren't you, honey?) - but I can't be the only one fighting the urge to wear team colors today, can I?  Drop me a line and let me know I'm not alone...or just confirm my craziness...

A Gift from the General

The General gave me a little gift this morning, and I bet he didn't even know it. We switched cars yesterday because I had to cart a ton of kid crap across town, and the General's Tank was the only way that was going to happen. This morning, I got in my car to go to the salt mine, turned the key, and heard the sweet sounds of College Football talk. Swoon!

I had given up on sports radio for the offseason. I really did try to keep listening - I know that every now and then there's some nugget of college football gold buried in all the soccer/baseball/golf nonsense. I was still listening up until about two months ago. But I just couldn't take it anymore. I switched back to NPR and the iPod to bide my time until my boys had something worthwhile to tell me. Apparently, today was the day!

We're in the home stretch now!

Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we....???

Yes, my Football-loving friends - we are almost there! The emails have started flying (among the gems I've seen so far: Will's Mom sent this one around earlier this week, and I nearly peed my pants right there in my office), and we're all lining up the babysitters (thanks Millie & Pops!) and dusting off the tailgate gear. I'm pretty sure that when I check on the munchkins before bed every night, the General is checking on our season tickets to make sure they're safe and sound, dreaming of touchdowns and extra points.

I have such fervent fall fever that I'm actually expecting to feel crisp, cool fall air every time I walk outside. That's ludicrous. I live in Florida, and being outside in August in Florida is like walking in a bowl of hot soup. But, honey, it's time for football - and football fever makes every good Southerner more than a little crazy! Me and my fall weather hallucinations are evidently no exception.

This isn't really a "Florida fan" blog, but there's no hiding my allegiance, so I might as well just get it out there from the start. I bleed Orange and Blue, y'all. The season might technically start before the boys from old Florda take the field, but as far as I'm concerned, that's all just the college preseason. For me, it isn't really official until we're headed to Gainesville with a truck full of bourbon and bbq.


So...less than two weeks 'til kickoff, and it's time to get serious about our tailgating plans. Heeeere come the (tail)Gators!